Becoming a Mom in Medical School
Becoming a mother in medical school is possible. It is messy, hard, and exhausting, but entirely possible.
I want to tell you WHY I did it.
First time mom, awaiting the precious arrival… Photo: Molly & Co
I often get asked, “How did you have a kid in medical school?” or “When is the best time to have kids?”
I often answer this question by asking the person to step back from their life in medicine. What decisions would you make about your life and your family if you weren’t in medicine? Do you want to become a parent? Do you feel that your relationship and partner are ready for this commitment?
You see, it’s not necessarily about what year of medical school you’re in or when you’re planning to take the boards. These details can be figured out (not necessarily in a beautiful way, but creative solutions exist). It’s all about assessing where you are in your life, your relationship, and your journey towards parenthood.
Determining if and when I wanted children didn’t have to do with my career choice. It did have to do with a supportive partner and family.
It wasn’t always this way. I literally recall making a spreadsheet (type A much?!) about the years of training dedicated to medical school, intern year, residency, fellowship and strategically placing each child and birth within that spreadsheet. I was so proud of myself. I showed my then boyfriend (now husband) and my parents my master excel spreadsheet outlining my life. My parents were like, “ohh okay, that’s nice, but hmmm, odd?”. I was the only one who thought this was normal, and yet some how my then boyfriend still married me and I still have friends. Mystery.
Wow, was I in for a treat. Your life is NOT an excel file.
Then, in medical school, my brother passed away. Time came to a screeching halt.
That shit was NOT in my spreadsheet. (Either was fertility struggles, but that is a story for another day).
It was during that tragedy and grief that I realized I wasn’t going to let the fact that I was a medical student pre-determine every moment of my personal life.
I wanted ALL the life things. I wanted to get married, have children, buy a house, save for retirement, vacation with my husband, see the world, see my family and do my very best to see my friends regularly.
So honestly, I just did it.
We got engaged. We planned a wedding, and we had kids.
Then, I figured out medical school.
My sweet little anchor, brings me back down to earth…
No, it wasn’t easy - but, either is memorizing the Kreb’s cycle.
I channeled my Type A mindset in to figuring out “how”. I learned how to spend all of our money on childcare without insane amounts of guilt. I became efficient in school and projects out of necessity. I learned how to travel quickly, and with an infant, and how to be back in time for Monday lectures.
Instead of hearing the words “you can’t”. I replaced it with “how”.
“You can’t be a mother and a medical student.” —> “How can I be a mother and a medical student?”
I had to change my mindset.
I was in the MD/PhD program, and we had our first child while I was a graduate student. We had our second child when I was a new MS3 (third year medical student). I know others who had their baby a month before USMLE Step 1. It can be done, but you may have to seek out examples of people doing this.
There’s no perfect time to become a mother in medicine.
But, there IS a time when you decide that you and your family are ready. Find that time, and I encourage you to lean into your choice, and have the courage figure out the rest.
Sending love and bravery!!
-Alyce
